Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.

sometimes i miss this memes

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

edward fingerhands

My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’