Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
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Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.