Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
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No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”