Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*![]()
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My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.