Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

Just got to our Airbnb!

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white