Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.

Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”

Me: “17”

Them: “2017 or….?”

Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”

In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future