Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
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My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.