Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
You Might Also Like
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
never compromise your values
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?