Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.

She’ll come back knocking!!!

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them