Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

Pat is about to own someone

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

My dog learned how to text

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.