Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
You Might Also Like
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No