Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”

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Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got six months


Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.


Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?


Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. Two women trying to kill each other over shoes. Brilliant, really.


Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree


Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.


Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow


[To police.]

“I want to press charges on my co-worker Steve.”

“What’d he do?”

“Warmed up fish in the office microwave.”

“…Cuff him.”


My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.