Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

Grew big

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

sigh

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.