Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Celine Dion: all by myself

CDC: good

CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself

CDC: sorry but them’s the rules

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

accurate

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

“i am a sweet baby”

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.