Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

I’m not sorry.

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.