me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
You Might Also Like
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
welp
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one