me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
You Might Also Like
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Danger is very dangerous
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*