me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
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ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”