me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
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[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
the council will decide your fate
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.