Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
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[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
i love meeting boys on tinder
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.