Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

I was up all night reading about insomnia

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please