Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
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its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
me when i see my girls butt
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her