Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

Laundry:

Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”