@Jerrypleasure

me: kids are so stupid. they’ll do anything for chocolate

wife: if you do the laundry, I’ll buy you a snickers

me: done

me: kids are so stupid. they’ll do anything for chocolate

wife: if you do the laundry, I’ll buy you a snickers

me: done

- @Jerrypleasure

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@FredTaming

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

@mynameisntdave

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

@mojo_bones_

My pot never calls the kettle ‘black’ because I don’t buy talking marijuana

@AndyAsAdjective

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”

@muskrat_john

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

@envydatropic

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

@AndyAsAdjective

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

@SaveItForFest

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?