Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
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A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Not all heroes wear capes.
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Perfect
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians