Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
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My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
the rocks need my help
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said