Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.