Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*

A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*

A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*

A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*

A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mE

A: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

We made a comic about a space heater.

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.