Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…

There’s safety in numb-bears.

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.