Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
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How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
The cycle continues
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
We are the people our parents warned us about.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Canada has crack?
next question.
