Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
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*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Breaking news:
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away