Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
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*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.
Cat: *knocks my drink off table*
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good