Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
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Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.