me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
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friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
what’s really going on
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.