ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
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*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.