ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
You Might Also Like
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.