Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
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ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.