Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.