Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
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why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.