Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.

saving face 👀

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.

Just didn’t want it to be a cop.

ㅤ

It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.

rebranding

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.