Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

phew

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end

Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn