Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

My daily affirmation

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

🐦

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.