Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.

Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.