ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
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ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
(True)
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
R.I.P.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”