ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
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Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck