me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
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to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?