Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

Good morning.

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

My joke about a partition wall really split the room

Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.

Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”