ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
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[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
me: I like that this isn’t like a typical gym
cashier: you’re at a bakery miss
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous