Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
You Might Also Like
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday