Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
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Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?