Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam