Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵

Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”

It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

[filling out the date on important documents]

Brain: when I say June you write June!

Me: yeah!

Brain: JUNE!

Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.