Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches

[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.