Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty