me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
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Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.