[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
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Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Cinematography is my passion
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.