Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
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*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
phew
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised