me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
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if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids