Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.