me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
You Might Also Like
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?