Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…