Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

Stop the Internet. I want to get off.

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!

judas: actually know what, I’m good now

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

Florida man

My grocery list.

1. Don’t run into anyone you know.

2. Eggs

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*