Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

If a snake ate a cake

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡