ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
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ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
How much for the goth pool noodles?
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.