Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
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Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.