Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

whenever i wake up before my alarm

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

im 7 sauces long

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said