Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you

EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast

EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain