Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

Her: your SO annoying!

Me: you’re 😐

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*