Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

ㅤ

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.