Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?