Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.

*Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

Love thy neighbor’s dog

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day