Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
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A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I never needed anything more in my life
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
